I Think I Can, I Think I Can: A Guide to Healthy Female Sexuality

by Barbara Bartlik, M.D., et al.

Many young women have not yet discovered which type of physical stimulation feels best. They may not yet know that, for most women, direct clitoral stimulation is the most effective way to achieve orgasm. In fact, only about a third of women can achieve orgasm through vaginal inter-course alone, without additional clitoral stimulation. Many women are inhibited about touching themselves and showing their partner exactly what they need sexually. Experts in the field of sexual health identify self-touch and fantasy as the two most important ingredients to improving one’s sexual health and satisfaction. Poor body image and self-esteem, conversely, can be quite harmful. Fortunately, there are several techniques a woman can use to enhance her sexual experience, regardless of the status of her current relationship.

Self-Touch

To better understand what feels best sex-ually, women are often advised to practice on their own. Sexual aids, such as vibrators, dildos, and lubricants, often help women discover the different parts of their body that make them feel good. For example, many women enjoy direct clitoral stimulation; others prefer vaginal penetration, stroking of the labia, or anal stimulation. A woman who is aware of her pleasure zones and who knows how to stimulate them herself is best able to communicate her sexual desires and preferences to her partner. Professionals in the field of sexual and mental health stress the importance of being forthright; therefore, women are encouraged to tell their partner exactly what pleases them sexually. Partners generally appreciate when a woman highlights her sexual needs and desires. Moreover, partners find it a turn-on when a woman reveals what she wants and makes it happen. When you communicate your wants to a partner, the use of affirmative statements, such as “I love it when you,” tend to yield the most favorable results, and partners rarely find them offensive. Women who have difficulty achieving orgasm may want view Betty Dodson’s new video, Orgasmic Women: Thirteen Self-Loving Divas.

Fantasy

An equally important ingredient to healthy sexual functioning is having the right kind of mental stimulation. Some women are sexually gratified by the mere presence of an attractive, sexually aroused partner. In most cases, however, to achieve orgasm it is necessary to close one’s eyes and imagine an arousing sexual fantasy while making love. This fantasy may or may not involve the woman’s present partner, and it may focus on more adventurous activities than the woman usually engages in. Many individuals think about someone other than their partner at some point during love-making, even at the moment of orgasm. This tendency holds true for individuals in committed relationships who report to have a good sex life with their partners. Although it may seem paradoxical, this type of fantasy allows some individuals to feel closer to one another. Research has shown that the people who use sexual fantasies have less sexual dysfunction than those who do not. Fantasies also offer a retreat from anxiety and fear, and thereby promote sexual arousal.

Many young women report that they do not have fantasies and that they lack the ability to have them. Fantasizing is a skill that can, with a little practice, be learned. Fantasy incorporation often begins with closing one’s eyes and visualizing a favorite sexual activity (i.e., kissing, sensual massage, oral sex, or intercourse) for a few minutes several times a day. The best time to practice is right after a sexual thought or feeling arises naturally. In women, it occurs about six times a day and in men, about twice as often. Women who have difficulty creating a fantasy may want to enlist help from the Internet, on such sites as litererotica.com, and through books, such as those by Nancy Friday, on female sexual fantasies. Professionals often recommend The Femme Series, by director and producer Candida Royalle, whose films are more naturalistic than traditional, male-oriented pornography and have plots more suited to women’s tastes.

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